take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
