All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
