I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
