i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
