I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize