Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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