The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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