I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
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