I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
