You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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