He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
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Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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