Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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