the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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