so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
