I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
