love makes seman taste better
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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