What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
