Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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