nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
so let's talk penis.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
