You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I can text with my tongue
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
