it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
