I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He keeps bees of course he's weird
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
