My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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