Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
