I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
