I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
