you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
