they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
