Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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