i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
