Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
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Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
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by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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