i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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