haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
