Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
