My sheets look like a crime scene.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
