if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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