I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
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And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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