i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
