If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
