he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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