walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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