you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
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No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
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Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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