forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
