once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
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Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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