Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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