Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
