Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
