I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Randomize
