all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
