So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
