Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
