I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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