I hate all girls vehemently.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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