Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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