i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
