he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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