a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
