i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
