Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
