Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
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