I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
